Covered in Light

Unreachable.

That's how I described God four months ago. I think it's time for a status update.

Two days before leaving for Africa, I sat in an adoration chapel, praying and journaling about the trip before me. The weeks leading up to this, I had been plagued with the lack of God's presence. I didn't know where to find it or where to start looking. It was my hope and plan, that Africa would be the solution to all this. After all, where else is there a better place to find Christ then in the face of the poor?

But as the day drew ever closer, I was slowly coming to this realization. I wrote this that afternoon:

"All this time, I've been looking at Africa as the pivotal moment, the spiritual kickstart for my relationship with God. But it's not. I need to start that change now. Africa can be a catalyst, but not the fire. I need to provide that spark, Africa can fan it into flame."

I came to this conclusion, that if I wanted my life to change, then I had to be that change. No external circumstances are going to do that. God's grace can't change us unless we let it.  

Two days before this, I had a very long conversation with a good friend of mine (you know who you are ;). She stressed the importance of consistency in one's prayer life, carving time out of every day for God. At that point, my prayer life had been mostly purposeless and without direction. I knew I needed to change, but I didn't know how.  Thankfully, my friend also gave me some very practical suggestions on where to start.

The only problem was, I was leaving for Africa within the week. Due to the chaos of packing and planning, I hadn't the opportunity or willpower to put these suggestions into practice. After two flights and 24 hours of traveling, I found myself in Entebbe, Uganda. 

During the next two weeks, those suggestions would rattle around in the back of my head, but I hadn't the resources to make that happen. I realized I had to be patient; there wasn't anything I could do about it. Every day, we would celebrate Mass with the church packed with students. Every day was filled with prayerful reflection and small group discussion. Grace was at work in my life, I was beginning to learn to let go and give God room to move.

It began to seem like I was beginning to become stronger, more mature emotionally and spiritually. I tried to be brave and face whatever situation was before me, because that was where I was meant to be. My greatest fear came from myself, not from without. I was so afraid that I would forget it all, that I would go home and slip into the same routine I had been living for months. 

Originally, when we finally did return, it certainly did feel like that. Everything was the same, the grass was still green and so were the stoplights. It was so easy to idle away the day. But I knew that I still needed to make that change. 

Perhaps it was weeks or months, but I finally began implementing the plan, which I'm still trying to expand upon. I downloaded the iBreviary app and tried to make a morning offering every day. I tried to keep up on reading the daily readings every day, starting my day off with little snippets of God's word.

I joined a Bible study recently, to dive deeper into the scriptures and listen to God's word. As Peter Kreeft says, "Don't complain that God is silent, if your Bible is closed." That had always been one of my great doubts, why could I never hear God?

Even now, I don't really hear that whisper in my heart like I imagined it would be, but for the first time, I know that God is with me. And he wants to be there. 

On some occasions, I had felt like God had wanted nothing to do with me. That he didn't even like the sight of me attending Mass. It was a heinous lie, I know that now, I knew that at the time, but that didn't banish the feeling from my heart. 

Now, every day seems to be bathed with a divine light. I can't get God out of my head, he's always cropping up wherever I go. I pray more frequently and not just before meals. I try to remember that it's only through God's grace that I can accomplish anything. Nature has become even more glorious. Life is beautiful, and the sky is full of stars. 

I'm not saying this as if I've got everything figured out. Far from it, this is but one step ahead of where I was. There are still so many areas that I need to work on that I need to mature. Perfection is the goal and I'm not anywhere near close to that (nor will I ever be in this life). Life is a constant struggle. We can never relax or forget our eternal destiny while a battle still rages for our soul. If I'm not constantly pushing forward, then I'm only going to fall behind. 

But at this point in my life, it's never been more exciting or joyful. I can't help but love the fact that I'm alive, that I can taste the air and breathe. Drawing closer to God has made everything about him a joy to discover. I can hope and dream, I can love and laugh. I can be at peace because death is only a doorway into Eternal Life. 

And, of course, it won't always be this pleasant. The past often repeats itself, I might struggle over the same doubts that I had months ago. But I want you to know that you can overcome whatever it is you're facing. God has a purpose for all the pain, confusion, and turmoil. No matter where you are or where I am, whatever the circumstance, whatever the day, God is good. 

You and I, we're children of God. So don't be afraid, 'cause we're covered in light.

The Light of the Son.